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An Inquiry Into Truth Judas Iscariot On Trial Satirical Drama in Three Acts Scene 1 A Courtroom [Stage direction: use the kind of stuff that makes it look like a courtroom. Put the jury box at stage right.] Prosecutor: I must protest your honor. The jury members are all gagged and blindfolded. How can they reach a fair verdict under these conditions. Judge: The jury are all members of the American media counselor, therefore this measure seems appropriate. As you know, faith comes by hearing but men judge by appearances. I'm hoping this extends to accuracy and fairness as well. I don't want them to judge our proceedings but rather to report without slanting it according to their own biases. We'll find out when their published reports are spread all over the planet. Objection noted. Bailiff ... swear the witness. [Stage direction: in response the judge's remarks, much twisting about, leaning to the left, and vociferous mumbling behind the gags.] Prosecutor: But your honor .... Judge: My order stands counselor. Let's move on. Bailiff: Raise your left hand and repeat after me. "I swear to tell the truth, the hole truth and nothing but the truth". For the record, please state your full name. Witness: Judas Iscariot. Bailiff: What is your permanent residence? Witness: Me and my roommate Adolph live in cubicle number 12345666. Bailiff: Tell us where that cubicle is located. Witness: Where? In Hell. Where'd you think? Can you believe it ... I knocked off one Jew, actually only fingered him, didn't kill him myself, while ol' Adolph gassed about six million and drew the same sentence as they give me. Don't seem fair, do it? Prosecutor: Your honor, I object. The Witness is making a speech. Judge: The Witness will refrain from making speeches and confine himself to answering the question as posed. Witness: Hey. You can't shut me up. I got a right to say whatever I want. Judge: Let me warn you Mr. Iscariot. The next outburst of that sort from you is going to get you a penalty for contempt. Witness: Oh yeah? What penalty is dat? Judge: Thirty days in Purgatory. Witness: Well, 'up yours' Judge. Judge [bangs gavel]: I warned you. Thirty days for contempt. Witness [grinning, sotto voce]: Thanks Judge. I appreciate it. Prosecutor: Now, Mr. Iscariot, I am showing to you, may it please the court, a newspaper clipping dated the 7th day of April in the year 2006 CE. In case you don't know what CE means, it stands for 'common era'. We used to you use 'AD' ... you know, for 'Anno Domini', which is Latin for year of the Lord, but this being a court of law we are not allowed to contaminate the public sphere with any reference to any deity who may or may not exist, and so forth. Returning to the issue at hand, this clipping describes the discovery of an ancient piece of paper, parchment, or some such writing material, from a book you apparently wrote, or for which you provided the substance, in which you said that the one called Jesus arranged with you to have himself killed. Do you deny this? Witness: Book. What book. I didn't never write no book. Hell ... oops, 'scuse my language Judge ... and as regards that Latin stuff, I never took no Latin in school. I went to Hebrew school man. We spoke mostly Hebrew and Aramaic. Latin was what them Roman ball busters spoke. We didn't use a calendar that was, howyacallit, common era stuff. Prosecutor: The title of this book is "The Gospel of Judas". According to experts, the book in question was written around 140 CE. Where, exactly, were you at that time? Do you have an alibi? Witness: Alibi? You nuts? I was exactly in Hell. Been there since I died. Seems like forever. A long time anyhow. When would I write book? I told you I didn't write no book. I was a man of action. I wanted to overthrow the stinkin' Romans and get 'em off my people's backs. I wasn't into wrtin' stuff. Anybody wrote a book and put my name on it musta been smokin' some strange stuff. Else, they just made stuff up to sell books. Prosecutor: If you didn't write the book, how did the alleged author or authors, who apparently were members of a club called The Gnostics, get the information about the plot to have Jesus killed so he could escape from his body and acquire eternal life. To whom did you tell these secrets? Witness: Man, you got your story all f--ked up. Judge [face red, gavel banging]: I will not tolerate that language in my court Mr. Iscariot. Another thirty days in Purgatory for you. Witness [smiling broadly]: Yes your Honor. Thank you your honor. Prosecutor: I object your Honor! Judge: Object? Object to what? Prosecutor: The Witness is deliberately provoking you to cite him for contempt so he can spend time in Purgatory instead of going back to, you know, h-e-doubledingdong where he belongs. Judge: Wouldn't you? You want I should gag him? Let's move on Counselor. The Witness will answer. Witness: Well this is how it went down. This fella Jesus come along. He had these weird powers. Like, he stopped some old broad from bleedin' alla time, made a bunch of pigs run off a cliff. You can imagine how pissed of the pig farmer was. Had it comin'. Jews got nothin' to do with pigs. They shouldn't oughtta been there in the first place. But get this; he could raise people from the dead. Honest to God; cut my tongue out if I'm lyin' about this.. He brought back a dead little girl once. And another time he called a guy named Lazarus outta his tomb after the guy had been buried for days, man. No shit. [aside to Judge "Do I get another 30 days for saying shit in your courtroom your Honor? No, hunh? Just thought I'd try.] So I figured he must be our Messiah; gonna save our people. So I'm hanging around with him and eleven meatballs he picked up along the way, and he's always talkin' about the kingdom and stuff, so it make sense to me he's the guy we need. Maybe we go up to Rome and put the whammy on ol' Caesar, ya know? Kick some wop ass usin' his special powers. But it turns out he thinks he's the son of God. I can't get him to do nothin' about startin' a revolution. It was a revoltin' development. All he wants to do is get himself crucified and then he says he's gonna rise from the dead and save everybody who believes. A real nut case. Three years I listen to this stuff and not one word about gettin' rid of the Romans. Now I know them boys up at the temple, the Sanhedrin gang, are itchin' for a way to bump him off cause he's allatime makin' 'em look bad. Alls they need is somebody to tell 'em where and when to find him. I mean, he's like a ghost or sumpin' ... now you see him, now you don't. The scuttlebutt is the Sanhedrin is willin' to shell out big money to somebody who can finger him. He ain't doin' me no good no how so I axed myself, "why not?" . I could use the dough. We, our gang, used to have some pretty good money from donations, you know, but Jesus was always pissin' it away helpin' people. Easy come, easy go, ya know? He one time let some dumb bitch wash his feet with perfume that cost a small fortune. An' I oughtta get sumpin' out of followin' him and the eleven meatballs around for three years, dontcha think? He was headin' for the cross anyways. We had this big dinner for Passover; him and me and the gang. So him and his buddy John were sittin' next to each other and whisperin' stuff, then he turns and says to me, "Go on man. Do what you gotta do. He even kissed me g'bye. I knew we was all s'posed to go down to that garden they call Gethsemane after supper so I went and tol' the Pharisees at the temple, "Give me the moolah an' I'll lead you to him." They did. I did. End of story. Prosecutor: Really? What did you do with money they paid you? Witness: Once they had Jesus in their clutches, some fink in the Sanhedrin sent a coupla goombahs after me to get the money back. I screwed 'em good though. I had already stashed the shekels in the temple poor box for temporary safekeeping 'til I could come back for 'em. But I never got back there. The bastards strung me up on a tree and put out the word I done myself in from remorse. Remorse! Ain't that a kick in the head. Damn lyin' hypocrites. Jesus sure had their number. Maybe you'll enjoy this piece of irony; they did get the money back when they emptied the poor box. Prosecutor: So, you didn't buy into his theories about eternal life and so forth? Witness: Of course not. Not then. Prosecutor: What do you mean not then? Have you changed your mind? Witness: You bet your ass I changed my mind. You unnerstand where I live and how long I'm gonna have to stay there? Forever. That's a lonnnng time man. Everybody lives forever. It's just a matter of where you want to do it. This trial is only break I've had since whenever. Even in Hell we heard about how he brought his own self back from the dead. Imagine it! Prosecutor: Fascinating story Mr. Iscariot. Do you understand what perjury is and the penalties attached thereto if you are found guilty thereof? Witness: Can't you talk in ordinary words? Perjury? You mean like lyin' under oath? Prosecutor: Exactly! Witness: So tell me da penalty. Prosecutor: Judge, would your Honor advise the Witness of the penalty for perjury. Judge: If I find you guilty of perjury it means another ten years in Purgatory for you. Witness: No shit !?! Judge, I have to confess. I been lyin' my ass off. Send me up, or down, or wherever. Any place but Hell if you don't mind. Prosecutor: MISTRIAL! I want a mistrial. Witness: Judge? Could I say somethin'? Judge: What is it sir? Witness: I think the jury should get the same perjury sentence you gave me. Judge: Strikes me as absurd Mr. Iscariot. Would you explain the reasoning behind your request? Witness: It's simple Judge. As soon as the gags and blindfolds are removed, they will rush out to all their newspaper and television and radio places and start disseminating slanted stories about my testimony, if not downright lies. If they were in Purgatory, they couldn't. Judge: You've completely missed the point sir. In order to perjure oneself, one must first make an inviolate oath to tell the truth. These media people have sworn to protect their precious sources as well as their own hides, but NEVER have they sworn to tell the TRUTH. Sorry. Can't convict them no matter how much they deserve it. |
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ACT II Scene 1 Purgatory [Stage direction: Judas is in conversation with expired clergyman. Costume in purple and red cassock with big flashy cross and pointy hat.] Cleric: So what are you in for? Judas: Perjury during a trial. Cleric: You lied under oath? Tsk, tsk. Judas: Nah. I didn't need to lie. The truth is fantastic enough. Cleric: My goodness. Do you know how long you will be here? Judas: Oh, yeah. Ten years and sixty days. . If I'm lucky. How about you? Cleric: Hard to say. I guess I can tell you as a fellow sufferer. Let's see. There are all those lies I told parishioners; maybe a year's worth of punishment after deducting for indulgences. There's all that money I raised from people struggling to make ends meet so I could live like a prince and lord it over them. You find it hot in here? I guess I've drawn some time for shuffling those pedophiles around from one parish to another. But, we had to protect the organization at all costs. And I understand from the guidebook that consecrating those homosexual unions is going to cost me, because that wasn't "exactly" by The Book, but it seemed like a good thing to do at the time. And of course there were those occasional nooners with a few lonely married . women in the flock. Really, it was mercy on my part to lift their spirits along with their skirts. Adultery is really no big deal. How much time you think I'll get for that? Judas: All those years when you were running a church organization, didn't you tell people that to be saved they must believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. Cleric: Well, of course I did. That was in the job description when I signed on. Judas: Did you believe it in your heart? Cleric: I regarded it as possible, based on the Scriptures, but did not personally experience the kind of thing that Paul was said to have experienced on Damascus Road. I was just doing the best job I could within the rules and regulations. Judas: Never burned a witch at the stake, huh? Well, I don't know. If you're lucky you might be here a long time. Cleric: Lucky? I can hardly wait to get out of here and into heaven. True, I didn't really store up a lot of treasure there, but I'll be happy with my lot whatever it is. I find it quite uncomfortably hot in here, don't you? Judas: Heaven. You think you're going from here to heaven? I'm afraid you are in for a ruuuude awakening man. This is just the warm-up stage of how you are going to spend eternity in a place where it is reeeeally hot! |
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ACT III Scene 1 Hell Cleric: I had no idea it would be this damned hot down here. © Sagaverus, 2006 |
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