Effluvia From the Chaotic Mind of Sagaverus

What's Gnu With You ?

When you happen to encounter someone you know and they ask, "Hey. What's new with you?" Do you feel nonplussed ? caught off guard ? cat got your tongue? don't know what to say ?

Here at last is the help you have been seeking.

First you must make a quick judgment about how long it has been since you have the inquirer. If it has been only a few days it is more difficult to quickly come up with new events in your life. In this case you must use very short term items to adequately inform the inquirer.

Conversely, if it has been some months, or maybe even years, you have a much broader range of topics from which to choose. Listed below are topics in both categories. You can print this page and cut out the small cheat sheet versions to keep in your pocket if you lack confidence in your ability to memorize them.

Short Time Gnu List

You could mention that you

have eaten 12 meals in the last four days,
happily processed them all through your intestines and out your anus, or not as the case may be,
have similarly processed an amount, say one gallon, of gin, scotch or other beverage in like manner,
brushed your teeth 8 times or however many seems appropriate,
driven to work, or club, and back three times,
fallen asleep and awakened 3 times, or whatever.

You get the idea. You simply take your estimate of elapsed time and multiply the days by your usual number of the individual acclivities you ordinarily perform.

I assure you that once you use this method on an acquaintance he or she will thereafter not greet you with "what's new with you?'.

Long Time Gnu List

1. Do you remember so and so ? Well I married him/her back in (year).

2. We've had three children together. There is (name 1) who will be (age) this year. Then There is (name 2) was born in (year) so he/she will be (age) this year. Number three is There is (name 3) who will be (age) this year.

3. Then in (year) I lost my job and we had to move in with my in-laws for six months. I pray I never have to go through that again. My father-in-law (here enumerate his fault). And my mother-in-law (here enumerate her faults), blah, blah, blah.

4. If the inquirer shows signs of wanting to escape before the treatment is completed, grasp him/her firmly by the upper arm, being careful not to brush a breast if you are male and inquirer is female.

5. I finally found a job in (place name) and I worked there for (number) years. Some of my coworkers were (here give lengthy descriptions of the faults of coworkers. If not true you can invent them).

6. If the inquirer is attempting to escape your grasp or complaining that you hurting his/her arm, you know you are quite close to your goal. At this juncture you may safely release the arm. As the acquaintance begins voicing excuses for being unable to hear the rest of you story and begins backing away , you know you have succeed completely.

7. But don't quit now. Put the icing on the cake while you have the upper hand. Walk or run after them. If they begin to outdistance you, shout loudly to be sure they hear you calling out, "Wait! Wait! I have a lot of other new stuff to tell you.

here are your free pocket size reminder lists.

Short Time List Outline
Number of meals eaten, with details of each.
Number of bowel movements with relevant observations.
Medications being taken daily, name, dosage, etc.
Number of teeth brushings, garglings, baths, showers, etc.
Commutes to and from work and other places.
Hours slept.
Other boring details of your daily existence.

Long Time List Outline
1. Who and when married/ordained, etc.
2. Children, names, ages, comments on each.
3. Occupational history.
If more commentary needed elaborate on in-laws, parents, siblings, trips taken, hospitalizations, deaths of friends, etc. Give detailed histories of everyone in your family.

Sagaverus, April 2009