Effluvia From the Chaotic Mind of Sagaverus - Beneficial Effects of Calves Liver

Public Health Directive No. 1404

Persons under age 18 not allowed to read this.

[ The former Surgeon General of the United States in the Administration of President William Clinton made public statements recommending that young people be properly instructed in the methods of masturbation. This then is a public service to viewers of this site who may not have received such instruction. Those viewers who require more explicit instructions, including with photos of human genitalia being self manipulated, will find such at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masturbation. ]

Beneficial Effects of Calves Liver in the Lives of Single Men Who Live Alone. (Can be adapted for men who are married in situations where this is the only recourse).

This procedure, when properly executed, will enhance the feeling of well being and satisfaction derived from the single male lifestyle.

1. Obtain a thin slice of calves liver ...
about the size of your palm is the ideal.

2. Though it must be refrigerated to prevent spoilage, remove from refrigerator and allow to reach room temperature. Takes about a half hour. If urgency precludes a half hour wait it may be used cold. Friction will warm it up quickly.

3. Wrap the slice of liver around the erect Willy.

[ Side Note. We would normally proceed using clinical and anatomically correct labels but feedback suggests that some readers are made uncomfortable by such usage. Therefore, we have decided to use one of the common names for the male pleasure organ. We tested several names and found the preferred common ones are: Peter, tellywacker, joystick, several other words which rhyme with ick. With apologies to all named William, Wilhem, Guillermo, Guillaume and other variations, we will refer to the organ as your Willy. This usage also avoids the problem encountered by men who graduated from public schools and tend to confuse penile with penal.]

4. Using the preferred hand, firmly grip the liver encased Willy. Use an amount of pressure sufficient to allow the liver to slide easily along the erect Willy. Should there be a feeling of dryness, use a little lubricant on the Willy. We recommend canola oil for its low cholesterol properties and known palatability.

5. Using a stroking motion, slide the liver up and down at a rate you find most pleasing. You can vary the gripping pressure and speed of motion according to your desires. If the liver slides completely off your slick Willy, reduce the length and speed of your strokes.

[Side Note: the Willy has no brain of its own. It uses a small part of the main brain to do its thinking. If the main brain is visualizing the woman with whom you would most like to copulate, the Willy will think it is doing just that and behave accordingly. This can greatly enhance your enjoyment of the procedure. A side effect is that the odor coming off the liver may be very similar to some vaginas.]

6. Following ejaculation and attendant cleanup, rinse the liver, place it in a sealed plastic bag, and return it to storage in the refrigerator. If you plan to use it again within an hour or so it can remain at room temperature until after the next use.

7. The refrigerated liver will be useful for many sessions. In fact, multiple users may enjoy it in succession while it is warm. It is the age of the liver that makes the most difference, not the number of uses. Unlike female human sex partners, the liver does not care who uses it, where, when, how often or about any other constraints. You do not have to tell it you love it nor give it cab fare to get home, or jewelry, and so forth.. The next day at the office there will be no flirty eyelid movements or office gossip stemming from the previous night's pleasure.

8. When you judge the liver has lost too much of its moistness and elasticity, (which commonly occurs with aging vaginas too), you may choose to replace it with a fresh one.

9. The rejected liver will not have hurt feelings. It won't cry or call you names or stalk you. It can be fried or sautéed with onions and bacon and will serve you a lovely meal as its final contribution to your well-being. Be sure to cook it well done because it has been in and out of the cold several times and each warm period has caused bacteria to multiply.

10. If you feel squeamish about eating your former sex partner when it gets old, you can
a) deposit it in a garbage receptacle
b) pass it on to someone less finicky than yourself, or
c) feed it to your neighbor's dog or cat with the assurance that it will not be rejected.
The liver has even less brains than your Willy and won't even know what happened to it.

To our knowledge there is no chance of contracting a venereal disease from liver. There have been no reports to date of any user coming down with the human equivalent of mad cow disease.

ADDENDUM 1:

If you are a single male living at home with your mother you need to be aware she might become suspicious about the frequent appearance of raw liver in your refrigerator. You can claim it is for a science project only so many times then the jig will be up.

We've heard of some who have tried hiding the liver in a cooler bag in their lockers at school where they could use it between classes in a boy's room stall. [It isn't like sneaking a smoke.] This has proven unsatisfactory on those occasions when, along with his jacket and books, the student has forgotten to take the liver out of the locker on Friday after classes. On Monday, when the custodians arrived at 5:00 AM for early cleaning, one of them reported something that one of the lockers smelled like something dead was inside. You can imagine what followed. It is really hard to explain the presence of rotting calves liver in your school locker.

An alternate approach is to buy a fresh liver whenever you need one and discard it after use. If you buy at a grocery where they know who you are, some cashier possibly will mention to your mom, when she goes shopping there, how great it is that her son enjoys liver so much. This just by way of a cautionary note.

ADDENDUM 2:

This is for girls who have complained about the boys having all the fun. We believe they are merely suffering from Willy envy but out of a desire to be fair to bother sexes provide the following for girls whose hymen is already broken. We do not advocate any such activities for virgins.

The procedure is essentially just a reversal. It is applied internally rather than externally. In place of a slice of liver we suggest a frankfurter, summer sausage link, salami, or other appropriately sized edible cylindrical meat.

Treat it much the same way as the liver described above. If it is fully cooked when purchased, it can be wiped off (or not) and eaten or sucked immediately while warm from friction.

There is no danger of impregnation or of contracting AIDS or other diseases which are sexually transmitted except in the case where more than one person uses it without complete washing in between uses. I user A has residual semen inside and it gets on the sausage, it conceivably transfer to user B. Likewise for bacteria. Hence, it is best not to pass your sausage among your friends, or at least, not to use it after someone else.

This public service document has been placed in the Public Domain by the author (whose nom de plume is Sagaverus), on 29 March 2009. It may be freely copied and redistributed if anyone cares to risk it.