Effluvia From the Chaotic Mind of Sagaverus - What Really Happened in the Garden: Part I

What Really Happened in the Garden - Part I
Adam and DNA

( This is satire folks. Reserve your hate mail for someone who might be influenced by it. As the following monograph clearly indicates, I am both irreverent and incorrigible. The described events are based on the premise that the Old Testament of the Christian Bible is the actual, inspired, authorized, inerrant, word of God the Creator and is completely free of error no matter what naysayers claim. Text used is from the New King James Version Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. )

After five days and nights of making stuff like stars, moon, sun, grass, mosquitos, Piranhas, serpents, sharks, poisonous toads, crocodiles, and such like, God, who a multiple being based on His use of the pronoun "our" in various pronouncements, decided to do something different and make a creature called MAN [Genesis 1:26] and put him/it/them in charge of the planet.

So God made the first MAN from the dirt or stuff He found in the ground, and brought him to life by breathing into him, [Genesis 2:7}. The man took care of the garden, which we call Eden, and named the previously made creatures. The text does not explain how the man named the sharks, whales, and so forth, who, so far as we know, did not live in the garden but rather in the sea. But, our knowledge is limited and anything is possible. [Matthew 19:26].

God decided the MAN should not be alone; put him into a coma; took out a piece of the man and cloned it, thus making a Woman. [Genesis 2:21-25]. (Possibly a contraction of "woe-to-man"?) Up to this point, everything was good [Genesis 1:31] but trouble was in the offing in the form of a talking, deceitful, persuasive creature called a serpent, who persuaded the woman to do what God had expressly forbidden. She in turn persuaded the man to do likewise. [Genesis 3:1-6].

Suddenly, the man and woman realized they were naked so they made clothing from fig leaves, which are quite large and supple. They obviously already possessed needle and thread as well as a knowledge of how to sew [Genesis 3:7]. They had all along been naked but didn't know it. In modern times, it is hard to imagine that a naked couple would not want to be naked together but we are told they were ashamed. (I admit to having seen some naked women who really should be ashamed to be seen naked but I digress so let us return to the main theme.)

Next thing you know, they hear the sound of God walking in the garden and they hide from Him. [Genesis 3:8]. This verses shows incontrovertibly that God has feet, else He would have floated, or possibly rolled, through the garden in the cool of the day rather than walked.

So Adam and Eve (which is our names for the man and the woman) were in hiding when along comes God and "Then the LORD God called to Adam and said to him, 'Where are you?'" [Genesis 3:9]. This is extremely interesting because it illustrates that, at the time of this event, God had not yet become omniscient, else, would He not have already known where Adam was?

Following a lengthy discussion between God and them, God put curses on the serpent, the ground, and the man and woman. He then made them some more durable clothing ... tunics from skins, presumably because he didn't want to see them naked either. Then, He ejected the man from the garden and blocked the return to prevent access to the "Tree of Life". [Genesis 3:10-24].

The woman apparently would have been allowed to remain but must have followed her man when he got thrown out because the next thing we know, they had sex and a son was born. [Genesis 4:1a]. They did not have children while living in the garden.

The text actually says "Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain". We take it that the word 'knew' means they engaged in sexual intercourse, because that is what contemporary experts tell us. The text refers to Eve as wife of Adam but there is no mention of any marriage ceremony or witnesses thereto so that means Cain and Abel were, by modern social standards, bastards, as is the entire human race and there are many who would support that conclusion.

Eve, who up to this point must have been a virgin, did not make the connection between having sex, or being 'known', and procreation, (much as it is with about the majority of adolescent females in America based on the rate of illegitimacy), for Eve said, "I have acquired a man from the LORD" , indicating that either (a) she didn't get it, or (b) the boy they named Cain was a son of God via Eve. [Genesis 4:1b]

After Cain she had another child and named him Abel. Abel died without issue, murdered by his elder brother Cain. Meanwhile, God has still not attained to His current level of omniscience as in verse 10 He asks Cain "What have you done?" When God found out what Cain had done, He marked him but promised that anyone who killed him would be punished sevenfold for that crime. [Genesis 4:15]. From this statement we may reasonably deduce that at that point in human history, human beings had seven lives instead of merely one as we have today, else how could a sevenfold vengeance be meted out after the first execution?

Then Cain went east to a place called Nod where he 'knew' his wife and begat numerous children. [Genesis 4:16-22] Where he found a wife is impossible to discern. The only humans on the planet at this juncture were Adam, Eve, and Cain.

Adam and Eve were still somewhere outside the garden when Eve gave birth to another child who was named Seth. [Genesis 4:25]. Now this next part is truly intriguing. "And as for Seth, to him also a son was born; and he named him Enosh.] Then men began to call on the name of the LORD". [Genesis 4:25]. Did Seth have intercourse with his mother Eve to produce his child Enosh? Or was Enosh born to Seth in some sort of hermaphroditic transformation? We'll never be sure.

Modern DNA and genetic science claim that duplicate genomes in humans are so rare as to be next to impossible ... more distinctive than fingerprints or snowflakes, of which there are no two alike, (which I guess means someone has personally examined every fingerprint and every snowflake in order to postulate that axiom and find acceptance for it among the members of academia and the scientific communities who hold religiously to the view that it is truth. The problem with such a conclusion, as I see it, is that sometime in the future they may occur a fingerprint or a snowflake which is identical to one from the past but without having both samples available for direct comparison we are stuck with current scientific axiom.)

Anyway, EVE, made from his rib, was a CLONE of ADAM which means they had identical DNA. How a single DNA was able to result in a clone which had female reproductive organs instead of male is a mystery. (When modern science figures out this one it will play the devil with profits being made from transgender surgeries. A shot of the right little DNA stuff will turn a hairy homosexual male into an actual woman and vice-versa. ) Furthermore, Cain and Seth, along with any siblings they may have eventually acquired, all had identical DNA. Yet, humans in our times display an amazing variety of specific DNA characteristics. What accounts for this?

Cain's wife and the presumed to exist wife of Seth, if not blood sisters of the men, must have had different parentage than did Cain and Seth?

Adam lived more than nine hundred years and begat many sons and daughters, none of whose names have been handed down to us. [Genesis 5:3-5]. All these offspring were either children of Eve and had identical DNA with their parents, else Adam procreated through one or more of his own daughters keeping the original DNA rolling on, or Adam found one or more other women not related to himself and procreated through them. Where such women could have come from is not revealed. We have no information about these events beyond what is in the text.

Somewhere along the line of human history a different DNA was introduced into the bloodline, else the extant single DNA morphed, in evolutionary fashion, into the variety we see today. On the other hand, a Creator who could take from a man in a garden one rib, and from it make an entirely new human being of a different gender, probably possessed the know how to tweak the new creature's DNA and set in motion the whole system of genetic diversity which now surrounds us.

That must be what happened in the garden.

Oops! Most of whatever happened, happened outside the garden.

[ The image displayed above is a manipulated copy of a DNA model which is shown on several web sites. I have no idea who the original source is. This version only partially resembles the original. ]

Sagaverus 2009